waiting to be inspired

It’s been four years, ten months, and six days since my last entry. I could ask, ‘Where did time go?” but there’s no need to. I know exactly where time went and what happened and I deeply feel the effects of the events that transpired during this time.

There were profound losses; first my father, mother and twin sister, then my mentor and, most recently, my childhood friend.

There were milestones; the girls leaving for college and Neal deciding when to retire. I found myself unable to do anything other than chop wood, carry water … good old Van the man has nothing on me. I suspended my coaching practice and got a part-time job. I needed a break. Badly.

The girls have officially entered their senior year in college and they are pretty much in control of their lives. Neal is two years away from retirement and I catch myself thinking and dreaming about all sorts of things.

I’m reflecting on the ways these last five years have altered me. There are days when I’m not sure of who I am.  Often, I have this certainty that I’m on my way to becoming the person I couldn’t even dream of being  ten, twenty, thirty years ago. Some of you can resonate with this, I’m sure.

Once again, I’m faced with a whole range of possibilities that can only be available to me at this stage of my life. The choices I’m about to entertain would never have appeared while wearing my “old pair of shoes” or the various hats I’ve been donning these past thirty years.

My role and priorities have changed. I’m not focused on adjusting to a new country and culture or to my role as wife and mother. I’m not in corporate anymore nor am I the fledgling entrepreneur trying to figure out how to succeed in an ever changing business landscape.

People have come and gone from my life. Each of them left a mark. I see me more clearly these days. The dark, the light and in between, my illusions, my doubts, the stories I’ve been part of. I miss writing. I miss doing the things I loved before the marathon of goodbyes began. I know I can’t go back in time but I can do what I can, where I stand today.

So, here we are, four years, ten months, and six days later, I’m sitting down to write again. Where am I going with this? I’m not sure but I don’t need to know today.

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